I've arrived! Work starts tomorrow, I have the night so I'm trying to decide what to do with it.
My day started st 7am est, and it is now 8pm pst (so 11 pm to me), so I'm tired, but I wanna go do something anyway. I'm starving!!

you can pics of my 35th floor MGM Signature suite digs here. Feel free to add that journal as I'm going to be updating it with show stuff.

Thats also a fun list of crap that I want that probably no one will send me. I have no time to shop, work is like 11am to 2 am, so its a little hard to get stuff done sometimes, and I also don't have a car.

But no real complaints, I mean come on: theres a TV in the bathroom.

I do miss chase though. Sucks.

there's a dilemma.











In 8 days I will be out in Las Vegas, my new home, doing my new job. Las Vegas is certainly further from Chase in Nashville than Orlando, but it oddly feels closer. Maybe because I know I'll be able to throw myself into the job and give myself less time to sit around and miss him. But I don't think I'll miss him any less, I just won't have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself for being a blind idiot who had a wonderful boy in front of me for three years. I don't really believe in fate, but I do believe when times line up right, things have the potential to be perfect, and other time may ruin things. And perhaps this is how it had to be.

Working on the David Copperfield touring show is a great job for me. I think it really uses my talents; I may have just found my niche. And I keep telling myself, "This is what you went to school for. what do you expect? You can't walk away from this opportunity."
And I don't want to.
But here's your love cliche:
this one's different.
Not just different, better. Not perfect, but right. Scary and yet safe.


I received a real, truly epic, enduring and meaningful, love letter. I don't think I've ever received anything like this before. Nowhere near. Needless to say, I won't quote it. But it left me as full of emotion and turbulence and motivation as I ever was when reading a masterful book. At the same time, I remained quietly calm and delirious, reading it again and again in my car while the rain poured down in sheets.

--
1800 miles is a long way and worse-made when airlines rarely make direct flights to Las Vegas. Commitment to this was easily made, but waiting is not easy. Not that I expected it to be: it's harder not because I want freedom, but I just want him within arm's reach.

I know it is different because it makes me unbelievably happy to think about, even while having other sad thoughts about distance or anything else in life.
I know it is different because I was willing to be apart like this without question. While in other relationships, I didn't really have any desire to continue them once they had become long distance.
I know it is different because I know him. And for once, I'm not jumping into some random relationship with someone I don't know at all while being swept up in some faux whirlwind created by mystery and a fancy facade put on by both people. Imagine being swept up by your best friend. I never did until now. And you can't go back and erase all the stupid things you've done and the bad person you were at times, but they still love you.

I know it is different.

Well, I'm moving to Nevada.

Yup.
So I've lived in 4 states and 2 countries in 3 years.
A lot of me wishes I was saying to you that I'm moving to tennessee, but I can't right now. Maybe some day.
My new job is Assistant to David Copperfield. I work with a great group of girls. I've only been at it for a week, but I'm having a great time and I hope I get to stay out here for a while. We stay at the MGM and play at the MGM's Hollywood theatre for some runs, then the show tours the world.
Thats just the life update.

I guess you could say I'm blind as a bat.
Or just stupid.
How else do you remain oblivious to your wonderful (admittedly on and off) best friend for three years?
I don't need anymore words for this:






( more )


my only boy with a matching teddy bear hip tattoo? that's love, eh??
he's gorgeous. and he's been right there the whole time. Through sickness and crazy times and some of the best times of my life. What was holding this back?
Time to blame him. He says he always felt this way and never told me. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend and I guess timing just never presented itself. But damn if that doesn't disappoint. I just wish we could have spent more time together. We had two weeks here in florida before he left and then he moved to Nashville. I just got back from visiting Nashville for two weeks, but it's just not enough. I'll be in Las vegas by the end of the month. Chase was supposed to visit florida for a little while before I leave, but I'm not sure its going to work out. Either way, we will work out because i can wait. And when I'm a little more settled in Las Vegas, I'm dragging him out there. But i don't think he'll be kicking and screaming when i book that ticket.
I have a broken heart, but I'm happy. I have something good to live for even if it means waiting.

Why does saying that you're lonely have a stigma attached?
Am i subconsciously saying I cannot make friends, I have no friends, I am no fun, I am a loser?

I may be all those things, but that's not what I mean when I say I'm lonely.
Like it is said: you can be lonely in a crowd.

I miss chase.
I'm allowed to say that.
But what happens when I say I am lonely because Chase is not here.
Now I sound pathetic.
What is wrong with that word?

--
On Monday 7/7, I'll be flying out to Vegas to do a week with the David Copperfield show. It If goes well, I'll be touring with them full time starting Aug 20. There aren't many of you left in Florida, but if you want to see me, I ma be leaving so call sometime.
As for the rest of you in the country, come see the show when I get to your town. Especially you Chase.

I'll be back in florida 7/13, then a few days later I'm going to Nashville to visit chase. So, I guess the moral is I'll be doing a lot of laundry. Although, I only seem to be wearing one shirt. It says: Harley Rules. Made in the U.S.A. Since 1903.



and i got a pair of sb classics. my first pair of classics, i'm really more of a dunk girl when it come to nike. or p rods, but these are sick.



if you can't tell, they're really bright and the tongue is green-yellow-orange ombre.

If you live in the orlando area, go to Vert in taveres (It's on 19, near old 441- google it), one of the five SB accounts because they're having an awesome sales. tees are 15, i picked these up for only 35, normal 70 or so.
and they still have mondrians, which are my favs right now, i'm wearing the shit out of mine, even though I like to keep em fresh, these are too good to sit on a shelf.


Also, I'd like to know where everybody is. Please reply with your city. Seems like everone I know lives in a different state. Or if you're touring, tell me what continent. :)

( a few more recent pictures )

I can't even write.


Chase left.


no one lives in florida anymore.

and i don't want to either.

phone calls don't cut it.

If you've never lived in a historic town, this is going to be informative.



Let's start with Ellicott City, MD.

Ellicott City

All historic towns are hotbeds for criminal activity. Period. That's right grandma, this is not a quaint lakeside haven preserved from the 1800s. It's where all the meth addicts live and build their labs. Remember the house that exploded last year?
there are slight differences of course.

Elliott City is built into a rocky ledge outside of Baltimore MD. While it can be a fun party town, it is also home to countless hippies, and hippie-gone-outdoor-adventurer. True to form, the workforce in the town is stoned high school and college kids.

Annapolis

part atlantic tourist town complete with postcard giftshops and saltwater taffy, part naval academia junk, part hoity toity coffee shop, dark irish bar, book store combinations.
The surroundings old houses downtown are mostly for show. preserved colonial houses and givernment buildings. The townies are a much rowdier bunch. Annapolis has had a booming music scene for 10+ years now.
Yet, the scum of the earth mills around the waterside. 40s in paper bags, one hitters, crack pipes, and the Maryland hall high school battle of the bands.
most people fall into only one of those categories, but they all mingle together.

mt dora

a cesspool. America's top antique town. Plus meth labs and cracked out restaurant exmployees. welcome, eldery.

Every fancy restaurant, tea room, quilt shop, and antique mall is employed almost exclusively by felons, addicts, teenage parents, and others whose lives have sputtered to a standstill. Every life swallowed up by a historic town mocks the very stagnancy of the town itself.






There are some exceptions. These towns fall into two categories: ones not worth visiting, and those who hide their underbelly well.

The former: nor worth visiting: Eustis, FL

Apopka, FL


Asbury Park, NJ

Detroit, MI


lets just avoid.

as for those places who succeed in hiding it, it is unclear exactly how much damage has been done.
lets consult

park avanue: winter park fl

St Augustine, FL

it must really depend on the economic status of the inhabitants in the area. Tourism only supports the area to a certain degree and unless there are gucci store on the strip in the historic town. things are probably going downhill. Historic towns do little to bolster the economic growth of their inhabitants or themselves, so you cant logically expect a redneck town with a shiny exterior to suddenly be ran by doctors and lawyers. The towns themselves often eep the people down by putting laws into place restricting new larger businesses (and new, better jobs) from coming into town. Sounds kinda weird. Then again, it's not that anyone is asking for a walmart. Just a living wage.

why dont people see these places for what they really are. it's like youre in a stupor wen you visit... oh loook how pretty that building is...step over drunk hobo...and a tea house! oh! lets get out fortunes told!! and buy a bong, err tobacco pipe, and then go to a wine bar. oh ! oh! oh!

oh my god am i bored. and boring. but i can't think of anything i want to do. except maybe geocache. Which is dorky and boring in itself.

Geocaching is treasure hunting. Basically you get yourself a handheld GPS, and go find a pre-placed "thing" at specific coordinates. It could be an ammo box, or a tiny little capsule he size of a finger joint. There are hundreds of thousands of these hunts around the world. Sometimes there are clues, sometimes not.
When you find it, it will have a log, at the very least, which you sign and replace. If the thing is big enough, there will be little swaps inside where you take something and leave something. Usually little toys or tokens. There are other little quirks about this game, but I don't feel like getting into it. You can go to geocaching.com if you're interested.


May 10 is national train day. Train rides are very expensive. and slow. but mostly expensive. It is usually cheaper and more comfortable and a much shorter ride to fly.
These

drop on May 10 as well. Much better than trains.

I want to go on tour. Not some local band tour. Or even music at all really. I want to go with some theatrical production. I really want to travel, get sorrento/rent& utilities somewhere else out of my mind. I want to leave the middle of nowhere without failing at living in some city. Laura tours with the circus. Sounds good to me.

i just deleted the two entries prior to this one.
none that you saw. just the drafts.

anyway,
i quit my job. i dont know if we've said that yet.

Eustis is not a place you want to be, or need to go for any reason.

Let's all think about Bank signs.

These are one of the single most captivating signs in the world. Why?

They display the temperature. You see one and automatically remark.

"Wow, it's hot."



"Damn, it's cold."


or even

"That's got to be wrong."





No way around it.
Seriously. Try passing one without commenting. Or without someone in your car commenting. Or even if you are biking, roller blading, walking, speed walking, gallivanting, trotting, or hopping by. You will see it. It will see you and force open your mouth to make a dumb comment.

Especially if you have access to the weather at the moment in some other way. Most cars made in the last few years already display the outside temperature. Does not stop you from remarking on the second opinion.

"Man, your Mercedes is stupid. It says it is 56 degrees, when the bank clearly shows a balmy 55 degrees."

"Better check that sign. 85 doesn't feel right to me. I know the sun. "

"I like money. Banks are good. It's also 11:52 am and 74 degrees Fahrenheit."

"Did you notice the weather today? Me too. 72 degrees. nice. ok."

Bank legitimacy does not factor into this behavior.
First Bank of Northern Venezuela in Boulder, CO has the same merit with its 39, as Bank of America in Washington DC at 42.

The Bank Sign is never wrong.

remember when i used to do this daily.
new hair.

actually this week has counted as3 changes.
for a while:



for the beginning of the week:






and now:

In retrospect, I don't think I was fair to rick in my last post. It's not his fault/personality/vocation to monitor my wellbeing. And as harsh as that sounds to me at the moment, I don't mean it in a disrespectful way. We don't all respond to stimuli in the same way. Some of us are sensory, and some intuitive. Some led by heart, some by head.

Though my apology is sincere, I stand by my words in the last post. I simply wish to say I did not mean anything I said as an attack.

thanks,
Sherye

Saturday i will be going back to Chicago for the weekend. I guess, primarily, to get all the soft goods I can carry.
Who knows about any sort of reconciliation or decision with rick. We are so up in the air, but I think the ending is pretty obvious.
If we decide to end it because of distance, et al., how hard it will be to suddenly just "turn it off." Stop calling/stop caring. No more boyfriend as of T minus 5 4 3 2 1. Gone.
How do you just decide to end something that has no natural end.
I still love him very much. But i have my reservations.

Honestly, someone who does not understand what a hard time it is to be down here, and what a hard time it was to be there, will not suddenly empathize. Its ok. is it?

To him, I suddenly got up and left chicago to move back "home" to orlando. This is not in any fashion the way it happened.
The week of no sleep was a pretty bleak time. He would go to work and come home and I'd still be in the same place he left me. Awake. Day and Night. Not watching tv or eating. not even reading. nothing. Hardly speaking. No reason to go anywhere. three straight days. it doesn't sound so long until you ponder how shitty you feel after only 24 hours awake. Try 68.
After the second day and night you begin to count the minutes. You begin to look over your body. Rediscover your hands and feet. Your skin starts to lose its color, turning a pale gray. You've found every vein in yor hand and what else it connects to. Every dry dead flake of skin on your arms from the cold, dry chicago weather. The only time i really moved around was to let out the dogs.
All appetite is gone. Food doesn't even stir the habitual response to eat for the sake of mealtime. My usual violent response to visitors was even suspended. People came and went, at least a few and i managed an upturned glance from the dining table's bench where i spent most of the time staring at the wall. I think I wore the same thing the entire time. I didn't notice Jack coming or going too much. Try keeping yourself up for 24 hours.
Now imagine your body telling you that you WILL be awake for three days, regardless. Memo. Urgent. Eyes and brain broken. Stand by.
When I fell asleep it was about 7am. I had been awake all night trying, restless, moving. Next to someone who was fully knocked out and snoring, a smack in the face. I just suddenly passed out at about 7 as rick was leaving for work.
Even as out of it as I was, I couldn't shake the dirty looks. Like I was so lazy. I wanted so much to do anything. I just couldn't. Is that lazy? I doubt it. It may just be indescribable.

Is that not a red flag?
I guess he didn't know. notice? Or find this abnormal.I find it very dispassionate and self centered that he didn't notice anything different about me. Yet still, people in fl were able to glean that something was wrong and urged me to come down to see the doctor. Now, anyone with any mental health issues knows it is a big step to decide to go to the dr. This was my dr., not one I'd be seeing for the first time. But it is still a sort of surrender. A relinquishment of authority over yourself. I am not well. Help me.
This is and will always be a difficult step. Plus, it is often difficult to recognize in yourself the beginnings of problems. The sleeping is only one of many horrible issues surfacing at once that were, to say the least, odd. There was also the losing of several hours at a time. Like blacking out, but I was awake. Just suddenly would look up and hours had gone by. Especially at night. But I was never sleep. My brain was just talking to me in an extremely agitated state and very quickly. Sometimes multiple voices. Just screaming about various subjects. different opinions about random shit. CONSTANTLY. That was one of the main things driving me mad. Also, the inability to cope with any sort of change. Or problem of any kind. Bursts of tears. Isolation. Loneliness. But rick didn't pick up on any them. Not a simple "are you ok?"
This leads to where I think he truly believe I just randomly picked up and left. I left HIM. He was left by me because I didn't feel like DOING Chicago anymore. Does anyone truly think I WANT to be in Orlando!?

I understand his pain over me leaving. I did not want to leave and it hurts me too. But sometimes medical and financial reasons overtake emotions. That is not a situation you ever want, trust me.

that was neither the beginning nor the end of the problems I was having in Chicago. I can't say that coming to Orlando has solved any of them except the strictly financial, as I have a shit job that is sucking the life from me quickly. I'll get to that.

I'm not even in Orlando. I'm in sorrento, 35 minutes out. I'm nowhere. I'm in a house I don't belong to. I only ever spent a month or two at a time in the house. I don't consider it "home." It is where my parents live. I am now spending m nights in the guest room. This has contributed to a gradual sense of identity loss that is now gnawing steadily on my soul. It makes me feel like I am dying. There is no longer a need to be myself. I am a guest. I am welcome indefinitely but I am a guest in the guest room. It has a warm, but sterile feeling. So general as to suit anyone who may wander through. Assorted crystal lamps, large wooden ornate light colored wood furniture. Nothing here reflects me. I have no pictures, no decorations, nothing except a large mass of shoes in the elongated window sill. The purple room, which previously served as my bedroom for those months I spent here before I started full sail is now just a tv room. I go in there sometimes. My dresser is in there. The included bathroom in the purple room is not mine. I use the one in the hall.
There is also no reason to be myself. There is the very real self that my family knows and that is fine, but I'm growing out of it. And the unwell part of myself is not included in the familial self. So that is a clash of interests.
I have lost myself. Getting m stuff from Chicago is not going to fix this. I don't know where home is anymore.


Anyway,
I did not come to the decision to stay in Orlando (indefinitely? hopefully no) with any ease. Rick acts and says "I left him." While that may be logistically true, I did not do it in an emotional or even intentional way. I went down to seek medical treatment of a somewhat emergent nature. I was losing it again. I wasn't recognizing myself in the mirror. That is unimaginable unless you've been there.
Rick and I. What is the obvious thing there. It is obvious. I am disgusted with the idea of trying a long distance thing. It hasn't worked so far, in the short month we've be provisionally trying it. It's not a temporary absence we are covering for. There is no promise of seeing each other on a regular basis. At the same time, there is no definite reason I wouldn't end up back in Chicago. I am looking to stay where I can find a great and steady job. I'm flexible with area. Going back to Chicago does scare me for two reasons concerning rick. I would probably just go back to living with him in our apt; so i would just be umping back into our relationships with it problems. Also, he is not glued to Chicago, I could be signing on for a promising, rewarding?, long term position, and then he'd end up leaving anyway. What shit.
Once again, how to stay with someone who doesn't notice I was profoundly disturbed.
How to stay with someone who can't make a slight provision for the fact that I can't deal with 1 hours notice of 4 3-night guests.
I was huddled in a corner in our room over most of new years eve when a gang of jacks friends suddel (to me) appeared. I'm not built to deal with this. Rick's response was: why can't you be more social? Come hang out!

I can't.
I can't.

I can't.
Paul brings up the idea that I attract the same problems to myself.
as do we all?

so unhealthy.

Notice of late.
I can't get out of bed. I can't even move my arms and legs.
Oh yeah, and my shit job here: sprint call center. Feel free to call sprint and bitch to me about your fucking phone. I wish i were dead. But i'm not that kind of person.

maybe it is time.

someone said : "sherye is too controversial to be a significant source of strength." this used to be too. i barely come up on the radar for anymore.

being away from rick for more then a month doesn't seem to have bothered him too much, from here i can not tell. he may want to argue otherwise, but it still hurts.
he said he'd come april 1st, our one year anniversary. but then.... he ust didn't. and hasnt make any plans to any time soon,

that makes me think a lot of things.
and yes,
i am a stupid girl.

also, bob seger was not singing to the other person in "the famous final scene," he was singing to me and my side,
duh.

i am the stupid one.

my locus of contol is quickly moving towards the external. because, once again, i am stupid.



i have soo many return to do. especially ikea. that makes me very upset, i knew what those things were supposed to be for.

i'm not sure if its the meds that make me want to kill myself
i dont want to to do it, i am jus tso depressed i wish i were dead just to get it all over with.
dont bother commenting and trying to cheer me u. i promise i will continue to be here.

who knows, it'll pass.

as everyone thing does..

i regret a lot of things in m life; i'm not one who says they proudly do not.

maybe monday is not too soon to go back to the dr.

ive just about put myself to sleep.
i dont know what any f the litle pills do anymore.
sometimes i sleep.

one thing that i have been doing pretty well, that according to everyone else helps sooo much, is keeping myself busy.
the day go by faster now, the nights do not.

I'M FEELINGLIKESHIT
and i can't go back
to chicago til i feel better,

BUT
theres something you can do!

MY NEW OBSESSION WITH DONUT FRIENDS:





AND YOU MAY FEED IT.
I swear that will make my day, possibly week.
just to get something good and amazing in the mail, and NOT BILLS!
soooooo....
to my friends and long lost friends:

send me this:



plzzzzzz. $2.99 and like nothing to ship

i've been writing letters lately and putting in homemade gifts so i would promise to send you one. or two or lots.
SEND ME DAMN DONUT
DID i mention blind assortment!! yay fun!
basically you just get a donut box:

and you dont know whats in it till you open it. it could be one of these things:

but sometimes its even more secret and you get something new and cool.

like:

that green one!

thats not supposed to happen!
maybe it'll be green! WHO KNOWS.
seeeeeee how cool i am.
i'm not usually into kidrobot.
but this is DIFFERENT!


so in conclusion, send donut, make me sane, and i can go back to chicago, and i'll send you some homemade goodies.

also if youre like trying to bu my love *cough rick or parents cough*
they make donut steez!


and it just keeps on going!

onward! GO AND DO!

at least this time the preoccupation is useless.

i am no longer able to suspend my disbelief for tv.
there are too many recycled actors.
we need more quality labor.

movies, are ok about it.
even though mel gibson has played every character including myself in my movie... i only see him when i watch his movie.

when i turn on the tv, i see some actors, then i change the channel and i see a new show with the same actors, then i change and change and change the channel
but eventually
i am changing the episode of one big show with 12 VERY dynamic characters.

I know this blog has been rather cryptic at times.
I was thinking of making a congruent one that briefly explains each entry.

Basically it would say:
"entry 9/2/2007"
this is about getting in an argument with so-and-so about this specific issue."
but the entry probably only only had a bunch of garbled obscenities and complaining.


i think it would be amusing.

obviously, it's not meant to make other people look bad. it's not a chance to make people look bad about past things. i just feel like making sense of it all now.
and if you're interested, i'll give you the address.


:) haha. i like this. what do you think?


i may change my mind later.

I took down this journal, save one entry, just short of one year ago.
I did it for a lot of reasons including the thought that it was getting too personal, and there was (always) a lot of drama.
I have tonight changed my mind, perhaps only because circumstances have changed.
or.
Circumstances have changed, perhaps only because I changed my mind.

eitherway.

this will probably continue in the same style as the old postings.
I'm not even sure if there are any new people to read it.

short catchup because i feel obligated.
graduated college with biz degree.
moved to prague
hated it.
came back.
stayed in fl for a month.
moved to chicago.
love it.
now spending this month in florida for undisclosed reasons.
and hopefully going back to my apt in chicago next month.

now that that is finished.

a minute ago i really felt like doing this.
so i'll try to keep going.
its not for lack of things to say.
it's probably for want of a collander to keep it all from coming out.

also,
these days it is too dangerous to write anything too personal, so i wonder why have these blog sites. if i were going to write something with which to make money... or anything professional, i would not use a free blog site.

so this place is filled with 12 year olds saying the same things i was when i was twelve. and people like me teetering on the edge of never having a job.

one day, workplaces will probably be ok with tattoo sleeves, but they will probably never be ok with callous (or desperately willful) disposal of thoughts.

so. i am laughing in real life at saturday night live. its the amy adams episode. and i havent seen one this funny, or funny at all, since ever. since reruns of cone heads on nickatnite.

now nickatnite= tv land most of the time and they play "just shoot me," which officially makes me 53 years old.



going back-

i am going to re-enable you to read the past entries. these spanned almost three years.
(9/2004- 04/2007)
At the end of these entries, if you are brave or bored or boring enough, you can find a link to the journal before this one.
that one spans approximately 2 years. (9/2003- 2/2005) you'll notice these two bloigs overlap slightly. this is because when i changed the host i moved a few entries over in an effort to make it a continuous story, but then changed my mind.

there is a break between 10th-12th grade for the most part.

and if you could read my mind or be extremely convincing you could find the link to the blog before that.

it spans 9th-10th grade.
and before that i had a paper diary that cover 6th-9th grade.

so theres my whole life? in my own words. and its funny. and its sick.


and. as a warning. A LARGE WARNING. if you've never been here before, it really goes up and down and on ... and on.


even just one or two entries ago you'll find some horrendous crap, so just keep moving if you're that interested.
over the years i've gone through friendship and boys and drama and problems, and it's hard to look back and tell what was all that important and what wasn't. i guess thats life.

and here comes more conceit, so hold on.
I'm about to write about myself from my own point of view in my very own journal.
And you have to read it because I'm strapped you down and pried your eyes open clockwork orange steez.


moving on.
I've way overspent myself between school and work and my semblance of social life and the paperwork I'm not filling out.

But,
I've decided on a section in Praha and global health insurance and i hate the word synergy.
--

there are simply too many notes, cut a few and it will be perfect.
which few did you have in mind, majesty?
--

at work there is a shit ton of weird drama and a lot of people whose brains don't seem to have any grasp of reality and self awareness to understand things that are real and things they have imagined.
It is strange to come across many people like this at the same time.

Those same people at jury duty. The ordinary prudent person. The lay observer.

These are all the same people as at work and, somehow, in class.

</a>

Couples grocery shopping and eating sandwiches workshops. Couples sleeping and tv watching classes.
I am teaching these.
I am good.

also, I didn't mean to set this up. and I don't even know why or how this works, but there are certain people who say certain things to others around them and these things come back to me and I hear them and it's funny. This first talky talky person is an idiot.
Ok, got that off my chest. woo.



-
And, why would anyone skip morrissey?

Morisette maybe?
Maury povich, yeah.



also,
here is something else:
Tim's truck.


I have massacred my investopedia simulator portfolio.


I can't stop playing the skilift game.

accessories to infringement. oh gawd.
now i have to do a 47sec assignment.

I am done with school.
And by that I mean I am over it.
Unfortunately school will not be over me until August.
September I move.
To prague.
But if there was a way i could go now, go I would.

Since my last post:
Got rid of chris.
Blah blah drama, bitch bitch bitch, rumor rumor, new clique of lamecore [Nick Ferraro's famed in-class [SIC] they're RETAAAHDED] formed in class. AIN'T NO BLASPHEME.
ergo.
new boyfriend.

ha. Well things are fantastic.
I work a lot. School 40 hours a week, work about 30.
I'm trying to work away the hours I cannot sleep away. See how this has changed? See MM.

Rick chucky bob has moved into my apt and we have three dogs.



It's domestic and nice and we're leaving American shortly because I can't spend anymore time in the big box retail and the EBBS machine.
There is a lot of post production work in cz, and I find myself telling people this over and over, but I don't think I'm going to do any of it. I don't know what I'm going to do there, but i'm fairly certain it will be some combination of earning my masters and working part-ish time, exploring eastern europe, eating heavy meats and cheeses, pubbing around, riding the train, reading by a fountain, snowboarding, making thick slavic noises.

It's good.
you can visit if I like you.

economics for the 40th time is so dull. also, ebbs teachers are not quailified to use their provided lavs.
please turn off your mic.

Three months to go.

i had like 13 raw eggs today d00d.
what??
rocky does it.

this is at least one year past all major obligatory existential crises.

now on to the fun ones..?

or at least the multidimensional ones.

I wrote a multidimensional poem last night at 2 am.
and it wasn't in order as it came out or as it went down, isn't that fitting.
I'm still not sure how it goes.

I a so aggravated at the moment. The moment is 9:07 am, thursday march 8, marketing lecture.
As I've said before, once I get my mind on something, I have a hard time focusing on much else.
You know how when yu read someones AIM away message, or profile, or something else stupid and topical, you can sometimes place yourself into the subject and imagine that person was thinking about you when they wrote it.
But they weren't.
But you can't grasp that.







the only loophole I see here is that attention can be swayed, but not stopped. Maybe something else will come along to defer your sight-lines. your target?

this reminds me of queneau telling us that pierrot head was cracked, was no longer useful. Or it wasn't pierrot, but it might have been.
It didn't have to do with primary characters or not.
This could happen to anyone.
And who is more primary than you.
than me.

I have no idea why i'm so upset. I can't remember, but I'm doubting it's a good idea to screw around with times on the clock and twelve hour periods.

a dot,
a line,
a split,
a fold.

I should go back home, go back to my room, go back to my bed, go back to my bear, go back to sleep, go back to dreaming, go back to disillusion, go back to infinity.

all the infinities in the world, put together. There's every way to get there from here.

Ugg I'm making myself sick over this. Send me something new.